Well, I’m finished with my day, and what a day it was!

Three two hour classes, all of them “Oral English”, meaning that somehow I’m supposed to find a way to make 57 people all speak a language they don’t really know to each other every period.

Mainly, I want to tell you about my last class.

At 2:40, my lunch ended and I went up to my class, where I was greeted by fifteen students, out of my fifty seven or so.

I thought, “Hell, yeah! Great, this will be easy!”

I started teaching my class, and they were so strange. So oddly quiet and attentive and with english that, despite a strange accent, was actually fairly good.

And as the class went on, more and more of them drifted into the room, until finally I asked the class rep, “How many students are in our class?”


“Oh.” There were still only thirty or so there…I wondered where the rest were, but shrugged. Who cares, right? The fewer, the easier my job is and the more attention each student gets.

Then, I noticed the looks…the funny stares all directed my way.

How all the students seemed…out of it, and still strangely focused…focused narrowly on a task at hand….

Then, I could hear, from the back of the classroom, a dull murmur…


A murmur that filled me with dread…


I knew this murmur…that singsong sound…I’d heard it somewhere…before…

English mubble… Say it loud say it soft….

It grew louder, and suddenly, as all the student’s flesh turned green and their ears pointy, and their clothes purple, I knew what it was…

End the class Disrupt the day destroy Kevin Goblin Slayer Yay Yay Yay!!

Friends, had I realized what was happening a moment later, it would have been too late.

I would be goblin food.

Luckily, I am a keener warrior than that…I drew from my briefcase my sword, the Goblin’s Bane, and began carving through the hellish beasts that had possessed my class. Blood, green blood, covered the walls and floors where it splattered and spread. Dozens of asian goblin accounting majors lay on the floor, dead or howling in their death rattles…

Still, there were too many of them, and I made for the door, leaping over over the carcass of a goblin girl in a pink shirt that said “NAM 69”, and impaling a tall goblin boy as I landed…

Down the stairs I flew, and more and more I could hear the cries and songs of the goblin kin behind me.

I exited the Foreign Language Building, only to see hundreds upon hundreds of the foul beasts all around me. I screamed by battle cry, and charged through them, certain my death was at hand…certain I would also take down as many of the stinking beasts as I could on my way down.

Miraculously, I made it home, fighting every step of the way, my clothes in tatters, my skin covered with a mixture of my own red blood and the goblins green.

As I slammed shut my door, locking it securely, I collaspsed upon the floor, happy for the chance to rest.

And then I felt it….

…that cool sensation…

…the water that had pooled all over the floor.

I rushed to the bathroom, where I saw that everything had been removed, except for the two steel pipes pumping a constant flow of water into my apartment….

Sticking to the wall was a note, written in big, wavey letters:

“Broke the pipes I’m real mean!!”

I had been defeated…


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16 September 2004