The Rise of the Illumnatian Dictator Part 1
Marshall Mathers was sitting at home with his daughter, when the telephone rang.
“Is this Eminem?”
“This is Marshall Mathers, yeah, who the fuck are you?”
“My name is Orgello Machian. I am the Prime Minister of an Organization. An Organization you may have heard of…..I’m getting ahead of myself though. I understand that you won the Oscar tonight for Best Music in a Movie.”
“Don’t pull my fuckin chain, ok? I didn’t win no fucking Oscar.”
“Yes, you did. Which brings me back to the Organization….Mr Mathers, have you ever heard of the Illumnati?”
“Yeah, bunch of make believe nonsense for people with aluminum foil on their heads.”
“Mr. Mathers, the Illumnati is very real. For decades, the Illumnati, which controls all the political and financial interactions on earth and beyond has been run on a rotating system by the winners of the Oscar Best Music award…..This year, Mr. Mathers, that is you.”
“Fuck you, basketcase.”
Eminem hung up, put his daughter to bed, and went to bed himself after taking a shower.
During the night, Eminem saw a faint green glow coming through the window. He sat up in bed, and saw, outside on his lawn, a saucer shaped vessel, a UFO, and little grey men with giant heads wandering around on his lawn.
He pulled out his 9mm Glock and cocked it, flipped off the safety, and opened the window, “It’s time to get the fuck off my lawn, you E.T. motherfuckers!”
The E.T. motherfuckers looked up, and walked towards the window, “Exalted Leader of Earth, we come bearing our best wishes and offer you a gift as a sign of friendship between our two speci…..”
Eminem pulled the trigger, splattering green goo from the alien’s head all over the place, “I told you motherfuckers to get off my lawn!”
The aliens dashed, which is to say the waddled quickly, towards their spaceship, and lifted off into space, never to be heard from again (or maybe not….).
“Fuckin’ aliens.”
Eminem went back to sleep. The next day, he did not wake up in his bedroom, but instead in a luxerious hospital room, his hands and feet strapped down, gagged. An older man was sitting by the bed.
“Ah, your awake. I believe we spoke on the phone. I’m sure you remember, my name is Orgello Machian. I’m sorry we had to resort to this, but no one, not even the new Leader, interferes with the Organization and its practices. Here is your oscar, by the way.” He layed a gold statue on the bed.
“Now, I have a short video to show you..ahem….VIDEO ON”
A large LCD screen lowered through a slit in the ceiling and began.
“Good morning. If you are watching this, you are the new leader of the Illumnati secret organization. If you are not the new leader of the Illumnati Organization, or the Prime Minister, then you will now commit suicide. You will kill yourself…Youuu willlll kkiiillllll yourrrrselfffffffffff! Death!
Now that the brainwashing security is fulfilled, let us move on….
PART ONE: Who is the Illumnati?
The Illumnati is an eons old secret organization that controls all the worlds leaders using a sophisticated form of brain control known as YDWWSOD, which stands for, You’ll Do What We Say Or Die. It has been extremely effective thusfar, despite the meddling of those annoying boy bands.
PART TWO: Why Am I the Leader?
The Illumnati has always been run by musicians, because musicians, whether they know it or not, control the most powerful form of psychic mind control known to man…that of Harmonic Cognitive Dissonance. The Oscars are a front used to select new leaders.
PART THREE : Why Do I Need the Illumnati?
Because humans are cattle. They must be ruled or they live a senseless life. It is your purpose to provide humans with that human need, while living in the lap of luxury.
You will do this for one year, before stepping down when the new leader is selected at the Oscars.
PART FOUR : Who will take over for my music during this year?
Your musical performances will be performed by a genetically engineered robot cowboy commando. While they may not be quite as good as you, they do manage to do a good enough job to allow you to make a come back when your work in the music industry continues.
Thank you for accepting your position of leadership in the world.
If, for some reason, you choose not to accept your new position, you will be injected with a lethal dose of cocaine and found in a gay swingers bar.
Have a nice day.”
Orgello looked at Eminem, “Well, Sir. Do you accept?”
Eminem nodded his head.
“Good. Very good, Sir.”
-= To Be Continued =-
Preview of the Next Chapter:
“Return of the King? Return of the fairies is more like it. I ain’t turnin over control to these pansy mother fuckers. Dr. Dre, go bust a cap in their ass!”
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